*The page is covered in a dried up mix of coal and blood, the ink smeared and barely any of the text can be made out.*



...not feeling...

...help it, I need...

... despite the heat and flames...



... the bastards, they still bleed!

I've noticed again that I pick up this journal not nearly often enough.

Guess it's due to the lack of things happening and the things that happen, I don't really feel like bragging about in a journal. While writing something down to get it out of your head is, without question, a good thing to do, I still stand by my point that journals and the like are a dangerous weapons in the hand of an enemy. It helps them exploit your weaknesses, making you more vulnerable.
I'm less worried about me here, but about people that are close to me. As much as I'd love to write pages and pages about Korethael and the wonderful moments we share, I am too paranoid worried to do so. I hope he can forgive me for not praising him in written words and prefer to keep the fond memories and thoughts of him in my head.

But now I have a quill in hand again, because things around here changed, in a very quick and drastic manner. The situation atop Hyjal had calmed down after the Ancients had returned and a good part of the fires were extinguished. Thanks to the spirits there were even new leaves sprouting and it seemed that life would return to the area... but not so much anymore.

The Firelord, seeking vengeance for his earlier loss of the battle for Hyjal, he came back with his minions. The raging, destructive force they are, they waltzed into the Regrowth and only the quick actions of the druids hindered them to completely gain the upper hand.
The enemy forces are strong and hellbent to beat us into submission. There's constant fighting, the battles going on day and night. Just a small mistake and we might loose what little ground we have secure, something we can't allow to happen. If Hyjal falls...

I am not going to think about the results of that. I have sworn to protect this place because it, as well as the rest of this world, are worth protecting. Despite it being torn apart by the cataclysm. This tragedy that befell us and cost many their live, in a strange, yet wonderful twist it made the survivors more aware of their own lives and the things around them. It made them... more alive than before, and more willing to fight.
I know it did, because I am one of those who found a new purpose in this dying world. And it's not to let it die.

Despite all the fighting going on, there's way more to do. Those who don't battle help tending the wounded. While everyone who's found is taken care of, the most efforts of the healers go to Hamuul Runetotem, who unfortunately fell victim to the rage of a once fellow druid. I dunno how much sanity she was lacking already before Fandral got into her head or if it was all his doing and frankly, right now it doesn't really matter. She'll get hers sooner or later, as well as all the other traitors.

But I am trailing off here. I don't know where I like it better, out in the midst of the battlefield or helping out the healers. Sure, it's nice to take a little break, if you can call helping the wounded a break. But it's sure no job for the faint of heart. Burn victims look way worse than someone who's just been cut up and many of the younger volunteers can't stand to look at them. While it doesn't really squick me, there is a strange, uncomfortable feeling hanging over those tents. It's not the same feeling of death, decay and dread that's so very obvious in Icecrown or any other scourged area for that matter. It is something different, something that even I can feel, but I can't put my finger on it.

I just hope I don't worry Kori too much.

While I didn't inform him yet about me joining the fight, he knows I'm stationed atop Hyjal. And he's a smart boy, he'll know that I am right there on the front lines if something happens up here.
I should write him. Or contact him otherwise. Just to let him know that I'll take care of myself. While he's worth that I give my life for him, I'd like to avoid doing that again. I was lucky the first time, but I think there's no guarantee that I'll get up again if I go down a second time.
It took me long enough to find him, I don't intend to just go and leave him behind.
Especially not in this way.

Hopefully he doesn't get the smart idea to takes care of himself should he find his way up here with the other volunteers.

I can't believe it's three weeks already.

Up here atop Mount Hyjal, time seems to flow differently. I should say "it's three weeks only" intstead of "already". I mean, two weeks aren't that much time, right? Yet, for some reason, it feels like it's been an eternity. In all the many years of my life, there were only a few occassions time played pranks like this on me, tho it feels strange every time.

I do enjoy staying up here. Despite all the fighting going on all over the place as people try to push the Twilight Cult back into the dark holes they crawled out of, the place has a very calming, peaceful feeling to it. Especially all the way up at Nordrassil.
The situation at the Shrine of Goldrinn is less peaceful, but I feel good about being here and having something to fight for. And it's more than me than just making sure this holy ground stays sacred and that the world below isn't undone by that rampaging, overgrown lizard.

The world below.

One cannot see Azeroth from here. If you didn't know it was there, I'd probably would have a hard time believing it existed. If you look down here at the edge of the mountains, all you see are clouds. A whole, vast ocean of clouds. Even if you get below them, you can't see a thing for a quite a while. It's both really amazing and somewhat... frightening.
How easy could it be to just forget there's a whole world waiting for you at the foot of the mountain? To keep reminding myself, I go to visit Azeroth whenever I have a day off. I should write Kori more often, it would do the two of us good. Tho I have to admit, knowing he's out there, waiting to see me again, missing me... it's a good feeling.

But I am just as eager to see him again. I know we've met just a couple of months ago. Not a horribly long time to get to know someone, yet it already feels strange to wake up all by yourself.
I really miss that warm body next to me. The sound of a beating heart so close, the gentle touch his embrace. I miss the taste of his soft lips and the little noises he makes when I bury myself deep inside him. He also makes the cutest faces, looking arroused and kind of embarassed at the sime time, the later usualy indicated by a heavy blush painting his cheeks.

What a delicious little treat he is.
For my soul and mind I'd say, except that there isn't much of a soul left within a Death Knight, is there?

I should see that I find out where in Outlands they currently stationed him. And pay him a visit on me next days off.

Ah, the new year.

It's been a couple of years, if not longer, that I was able to spend new years eve (as well as the following morning) with someone. It's so much more enjoyable than wandering through the icy solitude of the frozen wastes of Northrend, which was how I used to spend the past new year celebrations.
I won't go into a lot of detail about what made this one so enjoyable, but I'll say I wouldn't mind future events ending up like that. There's hope they will.

With the new years there's always those resolutions people make. I think I should make some myself.

First off, I think I'll step back and detach myself from Mati.
No matter how I turn it, I always end up being a second choice. Maybe she likes me, but she doesn't want me for -me-, she wants me because her man isn't available. I'll be forgotten and just considered a friend once he's back, but she'll always think about him, no matter what. Her Doc. Her god. it's better for everyone to just drop this and no longer think about it, that way it'll save everyone a lot of pain.
I don't plan on seeing her anytime soon, I think it's better we don't. Once I have organized my life and all, maybe we can see each other again and really just be friends. But right now, I think it'd be a stupid idea. The only thing I'm not sure about about this is how to let her know. If I should let her know. Maybe I'll send her a letter, explaining my choice.

The second resolution would be to spend more time with Korethael.
With my decision concerning Amatiara, I have more time to focus on him and our possible relationship. I know that, right now, we're just like two teenagers experiencing their first big crush. Well, actually Kori -is- a teenager with a huge crush. But the more time I spend with him, the more I want to know about him. I want to love him for himself, the little fire mage he is. Not because he looks like a perfect copy of my beloved Sarhu.
Nobody will ever be able to take his place, nobody ever should. But Sarhu would scold me if he saw what I am putting myself through. He always wanted me happy and it's about time I take that second chance I got and make something out of it. Something good and useful.

Speaking of something good and useful, I hope my new "job" as a protector of Goldrinn keeps me as inspired as it did so far. I'll go back up to Hyjal sometimes soon, but first I'll try to help out Kori. From what I heard he found his brother and it seems they both have a bit of a rough time.

They could use some cheering up.

And Silvyn could use to get his head smacked once or twice. I'll teach him making comments about "distinctive scent".

I'm falling behind with my writing.

Things are just so very confusing at the moment, I really don't know what words to use to describe all that's going on. Tho, I have to admit that writing down what's happening helps me to focus and sort things out, so maybe if I just start this, the mess in my head will become something that's easier to handle.

I saw Amatiara again.

She's a Dark Ranger... in training I guess. From what I know she died very young and most of what she knows about her occupation, she learned by just watching other rangers and hunters. Due to her being ordered to be the bodyguard of a Death Knight named Carnage, usually only refered to as Doc, she needed to polish her skills and somehow I ended up offering to take her as student.
I got to admit, I mainly offered it because I had interest in the girl. It would have been a chance to get to know her better while helping her out. She's a cute little thing and the first girl to spawn my interest since Aerybeth dropped me because being with a Death Knight would have been bad for her Paladin career.

However, Amatiara didn't seem too interested in my person. She had only eyes for the Doc. All she was ever talking about was him, all that was on her mind was him. Always. I still wanted to train her, despite the fact I quickly gave up hoping that I might spark her interest. And I saw it confirmed when she ran off with him instead of staying to learn. I have no idea where they went, but she was gone for quite a while.
I waited for her to at least return for her lessons, but none of it happened and I just went on with my own busniess. I met a few new people, among them this delicious little mage I mentioned earlier.

Now she returned.

The first time I saw her I was passing through Hillsbrad. I was surprised to see her around, despite her being... different. She was overly clingy and horribly confused. Something really upset her and I was able to catch something about the Doc being in trouble, tho nothing she said seemed to make a lot of sense. Something about a runeblade taking over him or so? It was hard to tell what she was going on about. I had to be rather harsh to get her to pull herself together, and it makes me feel kinda bad I had to be so rough. Strangely enough it obviously helped, as she was way more collected the next day.

And unusually flirty.

All of a sudden she didn't seem to be horribly worried anymore. In fact, she even said something about being able to be more of herself and admit that she has feelings for me. A crush, really? I don't know how to feel about it. Mati never seemed so interested and now with -her- Doc gone, all of a sudden she's acting like she's trying to get in my pants.
Usually I wouldn't complain, especially not because, well, as mentioned I sure had the hots for her when I met her first. And she is really pretty for a dead girl. But given the circumstances, I can't help but feel that I am nothing more but a second choice.

Asides, there is Korethael. Which puts me right between two chairs. I can't roll with both. No, let me put that differently: I -dont want- to roll with both.

I'd still want to bone her.

Why is it so hard to make decisions like that?
They have to be made tho. I'm sick of living a (un)life like a player. I want to be able to know that there is somebody who'll stay with me. For longer than a night or two. I want someone I can truly love, just the way I loved Sarhu.

Tho sometimes, it feels like that's never going to happen ever again.

Wandering through Orgrimmar, I saw this person. It was... I thought I've seen Sarhu. I know it couldn't be, he's gone since at least two years now. And yet, I could have sworn it was him. The hair, the robes, how he was sitting at the pond, his feet in the water...
I don't know what exactly went through my head. I remember joy, I remember confusion and pain. It all happened at once, leaving me standing there, staring. Oh how I wished I could just trust my eyes, despite knowing better.

My heart is dead, it shouldn't be able to ache so much, but it did once I had to face the truth I already knew: It wasn't him. And it will never be him. Sarhu is gone. he didn't come back. He'll never come back again.

The one confusing me so much was Korethael, the mage I met at Light's Hope. Turned out he got sick of his hair and visited the local barber shop. With the new look, he resembles my lost love even more than before.
I wanted to leave, to great was the turmoil inside. I kind of like Korethael, but I didn't want to get all weird on him and talk him into things I only felt like doing because I saw Sarhu in him. But he kept me from leaving. And I made the mistake I feared I would make.

I haven't felt that good since my beloved priest passed away.

It is such a wonderful feeling to lay with a warm, living body. To feel the heartbeat of someone, to listen to their breathing. How it becomes faster and louder as you make love to them. The way their body touches yours when you lay there in a loving embrace, spent, exhausted, yet overjoyed.

Oh, how I missed it.

How I enjoyed experiencing it again.

I know that, what I started, I started for the wrong reasons. My mate can't be replaced by anyone, but for some reason, I want to love that mage like I loved him. I just don't know if I already feel for him because of himself or if it's really just the fact that he resembles Sarhu so much, which makes me want him so bad.

Time will tell.

Hyjal is pretty.

I can't put my finger on it, but even tho it's plaqued by by the chaos Deathwing let loose and the Twilight Cult swarming the area, Nordrassil still has this tranquil feeling about it. A bit too much maybe, I am sure if you'd give into it, you could forget the world around you. It's that kind of stunningly beatiful.
No wonder the ancient spirits have choosen this place as their home, which is the main reason the cult is hanging out here. From what we know they plan to get rid of the ancients and replace them with some home-made fake gods. All the shrines are calling out for help and there's people everywhere doing their best to defend them and keep away the taint.

When I signed up for the defense up here, I had no idea that it would change my view of things.

Ever since Sarhu left me, I didn't give a damn about the world. I'm a Death Knight, what should I care? Horde, Alliance, it doesn't matter. All ends up rotting the same. The Aspect of Death trying to undo this world, it wasn't that big a deal for me when I heard about it. Wouldn't be so bad to see it burn a little.

Not anymore.

The assignment was easy. Go down to Wolf's Run, follow the path to the Shrine of Goldrinn and make sure to keep the cult off it. They've been camping the whole area and everyone did their best to distract them from their plans. Interruption of their supply deliveries and all that, the usual tactics. We've been playing those games with them for days and eventually, the scouts came back with the information that the cult planned to take over the shrine by bringing an abomination of a wolf god to this world. A hideous black beast with a soul so twisted one was wondering how deep into hell the cult must have reached to pull it out.
I've been with the Scourge, depite the bond to the Lich King broken I still count myself as one of them in a way... but I've never seen anything like that before. It takes a lot to make me feel sick, but the presence of this -thing- made me downright uncomfortable. Like foul ichor, the abomination's words of death and destruction seeped into my mind. There was a gruesome truth to some of the things it spoke and I almost wanted to reach out and simply embrace it, as willing as I offered the Scourge my hand back in the day. However, something kept me from it and made me raise my blade instead.

My allies were of help in the fight, tho a lot of the poor souls didn't make it. Some ran off in sheer terror and those who didn't turn into a bubbling mess due to the chaotic and mind-bending presence of our enemy ended up wounded or dead for the most part. I lost the feeling for time during that fight, but it felt like we've been wailing away at the beast for an eternity. But we brought it down... at least I think we did. It howled out in pain and then just vanished into thin air, like it had been nothing more but a really bad dream. I'm not sure if it's dead or if it just retreated to wherever it came from to lick it's wound, but the feeling of dread and insanity was gone and there wasn't any of it lingering about.

Usually I don't sleep. I'm dead, I don't need it. Tho, if I manage to exhaust myself more than usual, it happens I just zone out and fall into a state that I guess is very similar to sleeping. And this night, I was out for good.
Much to my surprise, I dreamt this time. I haven't had a dream in ages, but it must have been one. There was a primal force swirling around me, untamed, ferocious, strong. A marvellous worg stood before me, it's pelt so bright like the sunlight reflecting off pure white snow. It's eyes peered right into my very being and a thundering, yet strangely comforting voice spoke to me in my thoughts. About the world, about joining the fight to keep it alive. About old beliefs of mine that I had neglected and partially forgotten.

Something happened there, but I still can't grasp it. I just know it was something big, because I feel how it changed me. How it inspired me.

When I woke from this dream or vision, I found my hair a different color. It had turned into a shade of white that almost matched the color of the majestic beast I had seen.
It was an old orc shaman who told me that what I saw was Lo'gosh, known as Goldrinn among the Alliance, the ancient spirit the shrine belonged to. He said something about the spirits, and how meeting them can change a person in mind and that in some cases, there were also more visible signs of such a meeting. In my case, it was the hair.

No, it was more than just that. A Death Knight. And a spirit like Lo'Gosh considers me worthy enough to appear to me in a vision. I lack the words to describe it.

But he made me think. maybe he's right and it is worth to care about this world and fight for it, despite it standing at the brink of chaos. Or maybe just because of that.

So much has happened since I last held a journal in my hands. It feels strange to open one again, yet it is a good thing. A way to get things out of your head.
I have to admit, I am not too big on writing things down, for the sole reason that, if a journal gets into the wrong hands, it can do so much damage. It's just a bunch of paper sheets tied together and yet, it can completely expose and crush you if it happens to get into the possession of others.

And still, I've decided to put some of my thoughts onto these empty pages. It might help to understand some of the things that have happened or are still going on around me.

But, where to start?

I think it's wasted time to go too far back. The world isn't the same anymore, it has change. And with it, the people, the war, even I am a different me. Partially at least.

The day the world shattered...
I have no idea where I wanted to go. I remeber being out on the road somewhere in the Eastern Plaguelands and then there's nothing but a big black hole in my memory. No, not really. I remember getting knocked off my horse by something. I've never felt a blow that powerful. I've been told the Aspect of Death tore the land asunder and I happened to be just out of reach of the devastating fires. Some of the rubble his attack shook loose tho, rocks, trees, whatever couldn't withstand the brute force... some of it must have been the cause of that whole lot of nothing that my memory of those events are.
I found myself waking up at Light's Hope. Out of all people, it was Fernis, my little Paladin and chewtoy, who I saw when I regained consciousness. From what he told me, he had pulled me off a chart that brought in those who didn't survive the raging dragon passing by. Supposedly the Paladins around were all ready to give me a blessing or two, maybe a good purging and then bury me with the rest. Thanks to Fernis, they didn't get the chance to do so. He parked me near one of the walls, left me some food and a couple of blankets. I don't know where he went to after I woke, but he really seemed busy and very determined to fulfill the tasks bestowed upon him.

It was a hell of a time. Whatever had hit me broke one of my legs and one of my arms as well, so I was stuck with all those Argent idiots. There's better places to spend your time at. Places more fun, even if you have 50% or your limbs crushed.

Eventually I met this mage. Cute little fella, he was just passing by. Turned out he's the twin brother of a slutty little rogue I met a few days before the world was torn. Actually, I did mistake him for Torael first, but then he told me about the rogue having gone missing during all the chaos and that he was out to find him. Despite being stuck due to my broken limbs, I offered help, but he was a little... pessimistic about the outcome of the search. I can't really blame him, but he looked really sad. Enough to make my dead heart ache a little looking at him.
He kept me company for a while, filling me in on things about his brother and himself. Not too much, it was just... chatting. it was the next day, or the day after, that I had gotten fed up with Light's Hope and asked Korethael to help me get my bones back in place. Much to my surprise, he was willing and eager to organize what I needed and despite being grossed out by it, he insisted on helping me.

I tried my best to talk him out of it, I really need no help. I've always patched myself up alone, even back in life. the only one who would give me a hard time about it was Sarhu... my dear little Sarhu. He'd scold me so much for coming back home wounded, even if it was just a small scratch. And he was always hellbent on taking care of my injuries. How often we would quarrel over the topic and yet, none was ever mad at the other for it.
That mage was a bit like it. Maybe that's why I gave in and let him help, I really don't know. Fact is, I gave in. And I was impressed he forced himself through it, I could see that it was really turning his stomach at times.



There's so much more to write about, but this will have to do for the moment.

They've called for recruits to help out atop Mount Hyjal and since I'm bored out of my skull, I signed up. They're gathering up now, so I better get going.

So I decided to dust this thing off and start doing something with it again. There's just a minor change here and that would be me no longer doing full, "real" journal pages.

I've lost the font I used for Hitoh's handwriting and so far have been unable to find aynthing that looks close enough. Giving him a new handwriting all of a sudden would be kind of weird, so I'll stick to simply typing things here. There may be an occassional doodle or smaller "keepsakes" attached to the entries.

A lot of people did like the old pages tho. Don't worry, they're not lost.

( You can find the old journal entries here. )